Copyright 1997 Mark Morris

no part of this libretto may be reproduced in any form except for one copy printed from your browser for reading purposes only

Adult Characters:

The Mayor of Pontaberfanwy

President of the Chamber of Commerce ('Commerce')

Chairperson of the Business Enterprise Area ('Area')

Chairperson of Concerned Rate Payers ('Rate Payer')

Chairperson of the Small Business Association ('Business')

The Wizard

leader of the demanding children

leader of the nice children

leader of the brats

Chorus of children, with solo parts

scene one: the Councillors and the Mayor

scene two: the demanding children

scene three: the nice children

scene four: the nasty children

back to the Wizard Things page

In the following, sung passages are in this colour

A market town somewhere in south-mid-Wales. The main market square. Houses and buildings around. Mid-afternoon. Into the audience come five adults - town councillors - each selling Wizard Things souvenirs. The mayor is selling brochures of the town titled Pontaberfanwy, the town where Merlin lived, the president of the Chamber of Commerce is selling buttons, the Chairperson of Business Enterprise Area is selling t-shirts, the Chairperson of Concerned Rate Payers is trying to sell insurance policies against being a victim of wizard, the Chairperson of Small Business Association is trying to sell programs for the opera in the Small Business Association. All are wearing Merlin t-shirts.

As the opera starts they should be amongst the audience actually selling (see appendix for suggested scripts). The mayor and Business arrive in the same place together, as the instrumental music starts.

Mayor: So how's business?

Business: Oh, can't complain, your worship.

Mayor (looking over the audience):

There's one born every day, isn't there?
(rubbing his hands together)
Money in their pockets, money to be made!

Rate Payer comes up and joins them.

Rate Payer: Well, slacking off, are we?
(he mops his/her brow)
Never seen it so busy. Twelve tour buses in the last hour.

Mayor: If it's good for business, it's good for the town.

Business: And if it's good for business, it's good for us.

The President of Chamber of Commerce joins them.

Commerce: Look at them all. If we keep going like this I'll have to restock soon than I thought.

Area joins them.

Area: Another day like today and my wife gets her new fur coat.

Following is sung. Each individual should address the audience directly. Starting with the Mayor, each soloist steps forward.

Mayor: I am the mayor of Pontaberfanwy
the most progressive
in the Principality
Here we run
a model municipality
free of debt
responsible financially.

All: Free of debt
responsible financially.

Area: Not so long ago
it was a typical Welsh town
shepherds in the valley
coal mines under ground.
There were slag heaps where the park is
and sheep walked through the streets
No one owned a penny
let alone a pound.
Then we got on the council
And turned the town around.

All: We got on the council
And turned the town around.

Rate Payer: When we got on the council
We cleaned up all the streets
We made it spick and span
We made it nice and neat
We brought in private enterprise
and gave it tax relief
Those who didn't like it -
we encouraged them to leave.

All: Those who didn't like it -
We encouraged them to leave

Business: We had one great advantage
A legend from long ago
That with a little embellishment
Would make the money flow.
It was said that Merlin the wizard
was born where the bridge now stands
and spent his earliest years
on what now is council land.

All: He spent his earliest years
on what now is council land.

Commerce: Everyone's heard of Merlin
Everyone knows the tale
Tourists would come in the thousands
Tourists would pay on the nail
We knew what had to be done
we eased the financial cap
there were hearts and minds to be won
So we built a tourist trap

All: There were hearts and minds to be won
So we built a tourist trap

Area: We made the Merlin Trail
for those who like to stroll
We built the Merlin golf course -
eighteen Merlin holes -
We built a brand new factory
we built a wishing Well
we opened up the shops
with Merlin things to sell.

All: We opened up the shops
with Merlin things to sell.

We've got the Merlin Café
We own the Merlin store
We have the Merlin Teahouse
with the Merlin parquet floor
We've got the Merlin coach-line
Merlin instant foods.
American Express - that's fine -
Cash - no problem - what's yours -
into the till - and it's mine -
for....
When we got on the council
there was money to be made
we turned this town around
and we trapped the tourist trade!

(music ends)

While the above has been going on, the Wizard, an aging hippie character with a pony-tail and a long cloak/coat, has quietly entered, unnoticed by the Councillors. He has a small back-pack. He sits down, and takes a small lunch-box (like a school lunch-box) from the pack, opens it, takes out a sandwich, and starts to each it, while watching the Councillors.

When the Councillors have finished singing, Business notices the Wizard sitting there.

Business: Who's that unpleasant character over there? Ever seen him before?

Area: Don't like the look of him.

Mayor: (calling out to the Wizard)
Hey, you.
(The Wizard goes on eating his sandwich)
You over there.
(the Wizard looks around to see who the Mayor is shouting to)
(the Mayor goes towards him, followed by the councillors)
You. I'm talking to you.

(the Wizard holds the sandwich in mid-air)

Wizard: Who, me?

Mayor: Of course I mean you.
What are you doing here?

The Wizard slowly and carefully puts his sandwich in the lunch-box.

Wizard: I was eating a sandwich -

Mayor: I can see that...

Commerce: - Unfortunately -

Mayor: ...but what are you doing here?

Wizard: (closing the lunch-box lid)
Just looking around.

Mayor: Well, you can do your looking around somewhere else.

Wizard: But I've just arrived.

Rate Payer: Arrive somewhere else.

Wizard: Oh?

(singing starts)

Commerce: We don't want

Business: The likes of you

Area: On our streets

Mayor: Or in our town

Rate Payer: We don't want

Commerce: the likes of you

Area: out and about

Business: and seen around

Mayor: We don't want

Rate Payer: the likes of you

Area: putting off

Mayor: the tourist trade

Commerce: We don't want

Business: the likes of you

Area: in the town

Mayor: that we have made!

All: No, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no
No beggars, no thieves,
no vagabonds here
No hawkers, no pedlars,
no teens -
especially no teens
especially no teens.
No ruffians, no rogues,
No reprobates here
no drifters, no drop-outs
no Greens -
especially no Greens
especially no Greens.
No, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no
We don't want them in our town
We don't want you staying here
Whatever you may think of that
Do you really think we care?
Do you really think we care?
for....
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
and out of here
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
to anywhere
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
to SOMEWHERE
ELSE!

(singing stops)

Wizard: (getting up)
I see....
But just answer me
a couple of questions.

Mayor: And then you'll go?

Wizard: Hummm...
(looks around)
I haven't seen any children
around here.
Where are they all?

Commerce: We don't encourage children in our town.

Rate Payer: There are, of course, a few -

Business: Out of sight

Area: Out of mind -

Mayor: We are a career community
Built for career couples

Business: Children

Rate Payer: get in the way

Commerce: of making money

Mayor: It's the way it is
today.

Wizard: I see....
But what about this Wizard thing I keep hearing about?

Mayor: (sarcastically)
Our ancient benefactor!

Area: The source of our wealth!

Commerce: The magic of our money!

All laugh

Mayor: They say,
or at least, so the legend goes -

Business: Stuff and nonsense!

Rate Payer: Old wives tales!

Mayor: They say
That Merlin, the wizard of Arthur's court,
was born here
under the bridge.

Commerce: As if anyone
believes in wizards!
Isn't that rediculous!

Wizard: You don't believe
Merlin existed?

Area: Merlin existed?!
What a rediculous thought!

All laugh. The Wizard laughs dryly with them.

Wizard: But you have Merlin things everywhere -
A Merlin teahouse,
a Merlin -

Mayor: Of course!
Merlin means money.
The very name
brings tourists in their thousands.

Wizard: I see...

Mayor: Enough -
Be off with you!

(singing)

for....

All: You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
and out of here
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
to anywhere
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
You've got to move on
to SOMEWHERE
ELSE!

Singing ends. The Wizard rummages around in his bag.

Wizard: Just a moment....
He produces a chocolate bar, and starts to wave it before he realizes what it is
No, that's not it...

Mayor: Come on, let's be off with you.

Wizard: (producing a wand or glass rod)
Ah, here it is...
(he cleans it by breathing on it and rubbing it on his arm)
It's a long time since I used this...
Let me see now...
(He holds the wand up rather uncertainly)
By Potentates and Pomegranates -
No, that's not it...
(he holds it up again)
By runes and rabbits rummaging...
No, that's not it...
Ah...!
(he holds the wand up with great certainty and vigour. He himself is transformed in the certainty of his actions)
Feel-el-ah ee Alach!

There is a tremendous crash and roar, followed by a burst of stupendous electonic sound and music. Darkness. The stage shakes. The lights flash. Lightning. Fireworks. Pyrotechnics. Smoke. Whatever is possible!

Councillors (variously, clutching on to each other):
What's happening?
The end of the world!
An earhtquake!
(etc. Improvise at will)

Wizard: (in a huge voice)
By the heights of Y Wyddfa!
By the shades of Pynlimmon!
By the mighty waters of the Taff
I put a plague on this town,
A plague of
CHILDREN!

Suddenly, from everywhere, the children fill the stage, entering rather slowly and hesitantly, looking around them. The adults look around them in bewilderment, frozen where they are. It is strongly suggested that the children are divided into groups, each of which is associated with one adult, round whom they crowd at this point.

Electronic music continues, quietly. Gradually the children crowd around the adults.

Rate Payer: Ahhhh!
Children!
Everywhere!

she swoons. Business and Area rush over to her.

Area: (knelling at the side of Rate Payer, and referring to Rate Payer)
Councillor!
Area pats Rate Payer on the cheeks in an attempt to revive her
Speak to me!
Say something!

Business: (arms outstretched, like a clumsy matron or janitor, or a goose with outstretched wings, trying to keep the children associated with Rate Payer away)
Back!
Back!
Stay back!

The leader for this section (the Leader of the demanding Children, henceforth known as Demanding) has boldly approached the Mayor.

Demanding: Hey, mister, ('You there' if mayor is female)
He tugs at the Mayor's shirt sleeve
You -

Mayor: shaking his arm away
Get away from me, boy... ('Girl' if Demanding is female)
Get away!
He tries to go to the aid of Rate Payer

Demanding: grabs the Mayor's arm again
But Mister!

Area: Water!
Smelling salts!
Perfume!
Wake up!
(looking around frantically)
Does anyone have smelling salts?

The councillors feel in their pockets and shake their heads. Demanding continues to tug at the Mayor's sleeve.

Child 1 (around Area): (producing a phial of smelling salts)
Is this what you are looking for?

Business: (to the other children around Rate Payer)
Stay away!
You keep away!

Area: Ah, yes!
he/she takes the phial
Thank you -
he/she administers the smelling salts
Councillor!
Councillor!
Rate Payer slowly starts to revive

Demanding: Mister!

Rate Payer: (sitting up, unaware of her surroundings. A gentle groan)
Ah----

Demanding: Mister!

Mayor: Get off me!
Can't you see
I've got things to do?

Areas: (to Rate Payer)
Are you all right?

Rate Payer: I think so...
...funny feeling...
Thought I saw...

The children around her press forward

Business: Back!
Back!

Rate Payer: (she sees the children again)
...Children!
Aaah!
She faints again

Area: Councillor!
He/she waves the smelling salts furiously under Rate Payer's nose. Rate Payer revives again, and starts to get up.

Demanding: Mister, she's better now.
So what about us?

Mayor: What about you?
(looking around)
Where's that hippy type?
He's behind this!

MUSIC STARTS (all sung unless otherwise indicated)

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM (hands on hips)
Hey, mister, when do we get our supper?

Mayor: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
When do you get your what?

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
When do we get our supper?

Children: Yea, mister, when do we get our supper?

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
Hey, mister, when do we see our rooms?

Children: Yea, mister, when do we see our rooms?

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
Hey, mister, when do we get to buy things?

Children: Yea, mister, when do we get to buy things?

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
Right now!

Children: Right now!

Rate Payer: (singing unsteadily)
What do they want?

Business: They want -

In the following, the children address the adult they are around. If it is a woman, they sing 'Hey, you there...'
The chorus should sing all sections marked 'children'
In the sections marked 'solo children, etc:' the lines can be sung by any combination that the music director prefers, from assigning individual lines to solo singers, or groups of singers, to full chorus.

Children: Hey, mister, when do we get our supper?
Hey, mister, when do we see our rooms?
Hey, mister, when do we get to buy things
Hey, mister, when do we get to play?

solo children, etc: Tony wants a kleenex
Jalene's hurt her foot
Mary's got the hiccups
Jordon's lost his coat

Children: Hey, mister, when do we get our supper? H
ey, mister, when do we see our rooms?
Hey, mister, when do we get to buy things
Hey, mister, when do we get to play?

solo children, etc.:
Kes has got a nosebleed
Lisa hates her hair
Judy-Beth is crying
there is something in her eye

Children: Hey, mister, when do we get our supper?
Hey, mister, when do we see our rooms?
Hey, mister, when do we get to buy things
Hey, mister, when do we get to play?

Solo children, etc.:
Sophie's shoes are pinching
Ashley's got my doll
Mitchell needs some hair spray
Kevin's watch has stopped

Children: Hey, mister, when do we get our supper?
Hey, mister, when do we see our rooms?
Hey, mister, when do we get to buy things
Hey, mister, when do we get to play?

Solo children, etc.:
Tom's eaten all his candy
Anna needs to go -

music suddenly stops

Mayor: Go where?
I want you all to go!

Demanding pulls the Mayor down to him and whispers in his ear

Mayor: Ah.....

The following is optional, for those schools who have a teacher or a librarian who would like to do a quick walk on cameo. Otherwise cut to Demanding: 'So, mister...'

Mayor: Has anyone seen the librarian? (Or any other staff title, as required)

The librarian enters

Librarian: What is it?

Mayor: Anna here has to go -

Librarian: Go where?

The Mayor goes to the librarian and whispers in his/her ear

Librarian: Ah -

The librarian looks at Anna with distaste.

Librarian: This way, little girl -

The librarian leads Anna out. Sometime during the following Anna should return

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
So, mister, what do you have to say?

Children: Hey, mister, what do you have to say?

Mayor: What do I have to say?

Children: Yea! Mister, what do you have to say?
We want your answer
and we want it now!
We want our supper
and we want it now!
We want some cake
and we want it now!
We want ice cream
and we want it now!
We want some pop
and we want it now!
We want clean clothes
and we want them now!
We want pets
and we want them now!
We want our toys
we want them now!
We want
we want, we want
We want
we want, we want

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
We want it all!

Children: We want it all!

Demanding: SPOKEN IN RHYTHM
And we want it now!

Children: And we want it now!

Councillors: It's terrible, it's awful
what do we do?

Children: We want it all
and we want it now!

Councillors: Where have they come from
why are they here?

Children: We want it all
and we want it now!

Councillors: to mayor
Don't just stand there
make them go away!

Children: We want it all
and we want it now!

Councillors: to mayor
You must do something
you're the MAYOR!

Mayor: repeated for each one of the following lines when the children sing 'want', and getting more and more frenetic.
Stop!

Children: We want it all
and we want it now!
We want it all
and we want it now!
We want it all
and we want it now!
We want it all
and we want it now!

Mayor: (solo) STOP!

music instantly ceases

Demanding: all sweetness and light
Did you want something?

Mayor: Yes, I want you all out of here!

Demanding: We can't do that.

Mayor: Why not?

Demanding: Because we don't have anywhere to go.

Mayor: Then go back where you came from!

Demanding: But we only just got here!

Mayor: Turn right around -

Demanding: interrupting
- around to where?

Mayor: I don't care!
Go,
Go,
get out of here!

Demanding: to the rest of the children
Did you here what he said?
We've got to go
but where we go
he doesn't know!
Do you want to go?

Children: No, no,
we want to stay here!

Every single child on stage sits down and starts crying. If necessary use the words we don't wanna go. This should be a very loud and confusing noise. The following is sung.

MUSIC STARTS

Rate Payer: Make them stop

Commerce: There, there, there

Mayor: Stop that noise

Area: Hush. hush, hush

Mayor: Please don't cry

Business: Keep away

Rate Payer: Those darn kids
will drive me mad

Area: Hush, hush, hush

Commerce: There, there, there

Rate Payer: I can't take
one word more

Area: Hush, hush, hush

Commerce: There, there, there

Rate Payer: Shut them up

Mayor: Please don't cry

Area: Hush, hush ,hush

Commerce: There, there, there

Business: Keep away
You spoiled brat

Area: Hush, hush, hush

Commerce: There, there, there

During the following, the children start softly at first, but slowly get louder. While they are doing this the Wizard wonders through them all, arriving near the Mayor at the end, but with his back to the mayor.

Rate Payer: Shut them up                                 Children: We want it all

Mayor: Please don't cry                                      and we want it now.

Area: Hush, hush ,hush                                        We want it all

Commerce: There, there, there                             and we want it now.

Business: Keep away                                          We want it all

You spoiled brat                                                    and we want it now.

Area: Hush, hush, hush                                          We want it all

Commerce: There, there, there,                              and we want it now.

MUSIC STOPS suddenly on the Mayor's (spoken) line. During the following the children should be sitting still but watching everything.

Mayor: to Wizard YOU!

Wizard: turning around
Me?

Mayor: Yes, you!
You got us into this mess
now get us out of it!

Wizard: What do you mean?

Mayor: Get these children out of here!

Commerce: Yes, take them away

Business: They shouldn't be here

Area: Why aren't they at home

Commerce: We've had enough

Rate Payer: Can't stand anymore

Mayor: They are horrible

Business: Dirty little brats

Commerce: We can't look after them

Area: They don't belong in this town

RatePayer: You've got to get rid of them whatever you do you've got to get rid of them

There is a big sigh/groan from all the children

Wizard: I can't do that

Children: Yea!

Mayor: Why not?

Wizard: I don't know how to!

Business: You brought them here

Wizard: Well, not really...

Rate Payer: hysterical
I can't take anymore!

Mayor: (to Wizard) Yes you can

Wizard and Rate Payer together:
No, I can't!

The Wizard looks around

Wizard: They seem very nice children to me...

Commerce: They're terrible

Business: They're horrible

Area: They want everything

Mayor: Food, clothes, toys -
Everything!

Rate Payer: hysterical
I can't take anymore!

Wizard: I see...

Mayor: Can't you do something?

Area: Anything!

Rate Payer: I can't take anymore!

Mayor: You must do something

Area: Anything!

Commerce: (big, pompously)
You must make them
nicer kids

Wizard: Ahhhh!
So you want them to be
nicer kids?

Area: Anything!

Business: That will be better than nothing

Rate Payer: I can't take anymore!

Wizard: That I can do

.Mayor: You can?

Commerce:: Don't just stand there!

Business: Do it!

All Councillors: Do it!
Do it!

Wizard: standing thoughtfully as he thinks about it. Everyone watches him.
Let me see now...
hmmm...
Now are you sure you want that?

Area: Yes!

Business: Hurry up!

Mayor: Get on with it!

Rate Payer: I can't take any more!

Wizard: Are you quite sure?

Councillors: Yes!

Wizard: A nice child spell...
Now that one was in Montumela's book...
How did it go?
Ahh, yes!
During the spell, smoke noise, flashes of lightening etc.

Wizard: Ami-cart! Fine-o-cart! Ami fine-o fin-o -cart!
Shale-aaz-aah!

All the children make different animal noises. There should be a great hubbub. The councillors all put their hands to their ears except Business.

Business: Back, back,
back, I say!

Wizard: Oh dear!
That must have been the animal spell!
He raises his staff.
Zee-ad-er-ach!

Instantly all the children are silent. All the councillors immediately remove their hands from their ears except for Rate Payer who is heard repeating the following words softly.

Rate Payer: Make them go away,
make them go away!

Children: There, there,
hush, hush

Wizard: Sorry about that -
I'll try again
Smoke, noise, flashes of lightning.
Pel-a paul-a pina-krer-a
Pel-a paul-a pinochet!

The children freeze. They should be absolutely still until the leader of the nice children, henceforth called Nice, stands up.

Wizard: There, that should do it

He disappears to the back of the stage again, The councillors stare at the children suspiciously. Then Nice stands up and looks at the councillors.

Nice: It's not nice
to stare at people like that.

Mayor: Now look here-

Nice: And stand up straight when I talk to you
It's not nice
To slouch

She looks around at the councillors with his/her hands on his/her hips.

You should all know better,
since you are supposed to be
responsible adults

To children

It would be nice of them
to show a little more respect,
wouldn't it?

Children: Nice people always respect each other

Nice: Exactly!
You know what the problem is?

Children: Yes!

Nice: What's the problem?

Children: There are no manners in this town!

Nice: Exactly!


Music starts.

Nice: (very slow. Very free. In the manner of a slow Gospel song)
There are no manners
in this town
There are no manners
in this town
There are no manners
to be found
in this old town -

Children: No manners
in this town -

Nice: (still very slow, Slightly less free. 'Long' held)
Yes, I long -
Oh, how I long!
for what should be right -

Children: for what should be right -

Nice: for this whole town
to be polite.

Children: for this whole town
to be polite.

Nice: (faster, but still slow. Less free, but not rigid.)
People I tell you
What I tell you is true
You need good manners
To see you through

Children: You need good manners
To see you through

Need: People I tell you
Whatever you do
Those with good manners
Are far and few

Children: Those with good manners
Are far and few

Need: Just look around you
(indicates all the audience. Children look at audience)
At those gathered here
I say
Where are your manners?
I ask you - where?

Children: Where are your manners?
I ask you where?

Mayor: (interrupting just as Nice is about to start another verse)
Look here!
This is too much!
(loud murmurs of agreement from other councillors)
You're upsetting the tourists -

Nice: (raising him/herself to full height, hands on hips, terrible of aspect. Very firm and loud. The Mayor withers under his/her gaze)
Don't you DARE
interrupt when I'm talking!
Stand still!

(the Mayor meekly stands still, looking sheepish)

Things have got out of hand around here!
John, Samantha, Chris.....
use the real names of the children he/she is calling. They should be non-singers if there are some among the chorus. See to those people -
points to the audience. During the following these children should go among the audience, telling people to sit up straight, stop chattering, pay attention, take the gum out of their mouths, etc.

music starts again. Fast, in the style of a fast Gospel song. Can be clapped to later in the song. Swinging.

During the following, the verse lines (Nice's lines) can be allocated variously to soloists or small or large groups of children, as the music director desires. The children's lines should be sung by all the children. The music director and stage director might consider having the groups and/or the chorus stand and swing in gospel chorus style, formally. This could start with one group, and gradually be joined by others, until by the end all the children are standing, swaying, and clapping in time.

Nice should single out one of the councillors (and perhaps the audience) for each comment she makes, so they, like the Mayor, also cringe. Note one or two of the councillors should have sat, overwhelmed, on a bench to the side of the market square. Another should at an appropriate point take out a bag of sweets/candy and be eating for the food verse)

Nice: Don't interrupt when I'm talking

Mayor: (looking frantically around for the Wizard, seeing him, and rushing over)
No more!
No more!
Stop them!
STOP THEM!

Wizard: (standing up. raises and lowers his staff/wand in one great stroke. Electronic noise)
Zad-are-baa-ath!

Instantly the children freeze where they are , in the attitude in which they are in.

What's the problem?

He waves his wand again. Electronic noise

Wef-or-too-neth!

Instantly the children sit and stay still

Weren't they nice enough for you?

Mayor: No, it wasn't really that -

Business: Yes it was! They're much too nice!

Area: Horribly nice!

Commerce: Martinets!

Rate Payer: I can't take any more.

Mayor: (tyring to recover his dignity. Pulling himself up straight. Pompus)
Yes, exactly.
That's it.
Much too nice.
You call that nice?
I call them brats!

Wizard: Well, some people are hard to please.

Mayor: And another thing -

Wizard: Yes?

Mayor: (waving hand around to indicate the children)
You've got to get rid of them.

Business: Right now!

Area: We've had enough!

Commerce: Get rid of them!

Rate Payer: I'm not taking any more!

Wizard: I don't think I can do that......

Mayor: (losing his temper. His poised accent goes)
Why not?
You brought them 'er.

Wizard: The spell has certain parameters....

Mayor: Per-rameters, she-ramaters -

Wizard: ...and I can't get them to leave right now.

Mayor: Shrieking a little
I don't care!
You're the wizard!
GET RID OF 'EM!

Wizard: Oh!?
So I'm the wizard?
I thought you didn't believe in wizards.

Mayor: (totally confused, deflated)
Wizards? Stuff and nonsense... Old wives tales.....

Business: Look here, whatever your name is.
I don't care whether your a wizard or not.
You brought these children here.
If you can't get rid of them,
Then at least stop them ruining our trade!

Wizard: And how do you suggest I do that?

Business: (a little exasperated)
I don't know!
Just stop them being so horribly nice.

Wizard: So you want them to be nastier?

Business: Yes, yes, anything, but not nice!

Wizard: Are you sure?

Business: Quite sure.
Just do it.

Area: Get on with it!

Commerce: Anything would be better -

Rate Payer: - than taking any more -

Wizard: Quite sure?

Councillors: GET ON WITH IT!

Wizard: If you say so -

He raises his staff/wand. Smoke, lightning, flashes, electronic music, etc.

Neff-a-fron,
heid-a-gareth,
ni-for-par-feth,
UNG-KRA-SETH!

Brat: getting up Hey, guys!

                                                                            Councillors (variously)
These are wealthy looking people,                          That's more like it!
who could use a helping hand                                  These children I can stand!
We will guarantee they will find it                             Perhaps I won't mind it!
from our ever-helping band                                      Better they're like this!

For we know one when we see one                         It still won't be fun,
they are ready for the taking                                     but it's better than nothing.
they don't know what's going to hit them                 (together) Good children!
there is history in the making                                      Much better! This is more like it!

Brat: (spoken)
Well, you wealthy looking people.
You're looking sorry for yourselves.
Reckon you need a helping hand,
and
who better to give it to you
than us?

• Pick the councillors pockets
• Draw faces on the walls, or draw on posters
• Beg from the audience
• Tie one of the councillors shoelaces together
• Steal the pianists' hats
• Turn the conductor's score upside down
• plus anything else the stage director considers appropriate, as long as it done in a very efficient and deliberate manner.
  

The Wizard suddenly appears at the back centre of the stage. He is now dressed in full Wizard regalia. He should appear huge, regal. Percussion suddenly stops. Absolute silence.

All the children move to the edges of the stage and playing area, so that they can sit and watch the following as spectators. The children in the audience move to the sides of the auditorium. The Councillors should be spaced around the stage, standing still, shocked. As the Wizard goes to each one of them, they should shrink back a little, but stay where they are.

Mayor: (coming forward to the Wizard, crouching a little, very humble)
Yes, your Worshipful, I mean your honerf-, your Wizardfull -

During the following, the Wizard slowly comes forward, like a potentate at an oriental court, and addresses each verse to one of the councillors. As he does so, If the singer/actor who is playing the part feels confident in doing so, he does a small magic trick in front of each one (like finding a coin behind the ear, etc.) His lines are sprechstimme, rather grotesque, full of wide variety of tone and range. He moves slowly, and is quite menacing, like a Fagan.

Some dozen of the children produce kazoos to accompany the Wizard.

Wizard: I have seen a lot like you
Full of greed in all you do.
All you think of is your purse
I can think of nothing worse.

tango. Five-line verses, run continuously.
Now the wizard is here! (over the top, above the tango rhythm)
You didn't think (much more composed, menacing)
No wizards at all
All silly old tales!
Now -- (over continuation of tango)
the wizard is here (Picks up tango again)
There are tricks up his sleeve
He has children in tow
And he's not going to leave.
(breaking out again)
All silly old tales!
Is that what you thought?
No wizards at all
But now you are caught
for this one is here!
The wizard is here!
And never again
will you take him in vain
or he'll make you his slave
and dance on your grave!
For the wizard is here
And you didn't think
There was such a thing
As a wizard at all!

tango stops. Councillors are quivering. The Wizard switches off all his menacing look, to become quite like his original self.

Wizard: (to Brat)
There! That was quite good, wasn't it, though I say it myself.

Brat: Yessir!

Mayor: (who has fallen on his knees and crawled up to the Wizard)
Please, your Worshipf-, your honer-, your Wizardful?

Wizard: (winks at Brat, and then turns to the Mayor)
Yes?
You want to be turned into a worm?
Or perhaps a toad?

Mayor: Oh, no sir, no, nothing like that, sir, that is, unless you want to...
I was just wondering, if it please your Wizardful, yes, just wondering -

Wizard: Yes?

Mayor: I was just wonderfing, rather, I was just thinking, yes, that's it, I was just thinking -

Wizard: Thinking what?

Mayor: Perhaps we have been, that is, perhaps, yes, we have been a little - hasty -

Wizard: Hasty?

Mayor: Yes, your Wizardfull, a little hasty -
(gets up. Adds a little of his earlier pomposity)
yes, your Wizardful, on due consideration
Commerce:(coming closer) Of all pertinent facts
Mayor: And being mindful of
Area: (coming closer) The relevant circumstances
Mayor: And having taken into account
Business: (coming closer) Previous miscommunications
Mayor: We, the Council, in due deliberation, have determined -
Rate Payer: (staying on the bench, shouting out suddenly) YOU CAN STAY!!!

Sudden silence. All adults turn to look at Rate Payer. Then equally suddenly:

Mayor: Exactly.
Business: As long as you wish.
Commerce: Entirely on us
Area: Not a penny to pay.
Mayor: You can stay in the Merlin Hotel
Commerce: Quite free
Area: Of course
Business: Play as much golf
Mayor: As you could possibly want
Commerce: Take your pick
Business: of the souvenirs
Mayor: in the Merlin store
Commerce: Quite free
Area: of course.
All councillors: BUT PLEASE
(Rate Payer comes forward from the bench)

Wizard: So, you think you have learnt your lesson?

Mayor: Yes, your Wizardfull.
Councillors: (variously)
Yes
We have

Wizard: Are you quite sure?

Councillors: Quite sure

(spoken, as a collective groan)
oh
Please do it!

Wizard: Very well.
Mind you -
You've said
you've learnt the lesson!

Area: Yes, your Wizardship
Business: Yes, your Wizardship
Commerce: Yes, your Wizardship
Rate Payer: (going back to the bench, and sinking onto it)
Thank goodness.
Mayor: Yes, your worship-, Wizardful, Wizardship.

Wizard: (smoke, lightening, electronic noise, etc.)
Hi-lee-sinish!
Go-lansigh!
(all the lights go out. Rate Payer screams)
Whoops, wrong spell.
shinis-eel-ih!
(the lights come on again)
Kalampa!
Falampa!
Sino-sish!

The children get up as if in a trance.
The Wizard goes out backstage, while everyone else remains still.
The children with the kazoos then lead the other children out, in an ordered column, playing on their kazoos the tune they played earlier.
The children in the auditorium should leave by the auditorium doors.

Rate Payer: (yawning, as if he/she had just woken up, and stretching on the bench)
I had the strangest dream -

Area: (looking around)
I'm sure I saw a crowd of children here -
terrible children -
(offhand; tossing the line off)
I must have imagined it -

Business:
No, I thought they were here, too -
lots of children getting in the way,
and putting off all the tourists.
But there's no sign of them.
We must have imagined it,
but I don't see how.
(to Commerce)
Did you see any children?

Commerce: (uncertainly)
I think so...
perhaps not....
there was this little monster who...
(shudders)
(firmly)
I don't want to think about it.
Must have been a dream.
Or some kind of hallucination.

Mayor: (with great certainty)
It was the coffee!

Mayor:
No. I knew there was something different.
That must have been it.
Something wrong with the coffee
and it affected us all.
I'll have a word with the manager,
see it doesn't happen again.
(looks around at the councillors)
Well, we all seem alright now.
So what are you waiting for?
There are tourists out there, ready to give us their money!

Mayor: (standing at the front of the stage, surveying the audience)
That's more like it!
(sings softly, unaccompanied, slowly, same tune as opening)
I am the mayor of Pontaberfanwy
the most progressive
in the Principality
Here we run
a model municipality...
(speaking - at the end of the following a small child enters from backstage)
Ah, tourists by the thousands -
the sound of  money,
ringing in the tills...

Child: (standing just behind the Mayor)
(quietly)
Excuse me, Mister

Mayor: (who has not seen the child behind him, and only half-notices what he/she has said)
Children -
in this town -
what a preposterous idea.

Child: (standing just behind the Mayor)
(a little louder)
Excuse me, Mister

Mayor: (who has still not seen the child behind him, and only half-notices what he/she has said)
(vaguely, not turning around)
Yes...
I hope the toursits don't drink the same coffee...

Child: (standing just behind the Mayor)
(a little louder)
Excuse me, Mister.

Mayor: (a little annoyed)
Yes,
what is it?
(he turns around)
A child!
What are you doing here?
Why are you at home?

Mayor:
The man with the...
No, it can't be -
the Wizard -
it wasn't a dream -
(calls out the names of the Councillors - use first names of actors, as in -)
Rhonda, Val -
here -
Nicole
Sherri -

Child:
Yes, ma'am/sir  (as appropriate)
He told us
you need children
and would give us a home.

Child: (looking around)
There are a few of us -

Demanding, Nice, Brat, and a few others (about 5) come out. They are respectful and polite.

Mayor: (aside to Rate Payer. Very loud stage whisper)
Remember
the Wizard!

Demanding: (to the Mayor)
It's very good of you, sir,
to offer us a home.

Tourist 2: (to Child)
Quite adorable, aren't you my little chick chick chick chick!
Such a charming sight!

Tourist 1:
Oh, yes - ('yes' drawn out)
Just imagine it -
a holiday without seeing children!
Well, I ask you,
What sort of holiday would that be?

Tourist 3:
Oh, yes - ('yes' drawn out)
Just wait 'til Uncle Bert hears about this!
He won't believe it, really he won't, he just won't won't believe it.
I mean all these Merlin things, and Wizards and things,
and that cup of coffee we had in the Cafe -
that was a nice cup of coffee, that was, oh, yes -
and then all these nice children -

Tourist 3: (to Mayor)
Such a nice place to come to!

Tourist 1: (to Mayor)
Quite lov-er-ly!

Tourists 1 and 3 : (to Mayor)
Oh, yes, oh, we will, we will.

Brat: (to Mayor)
Well, sir, can we stay?

Mayor: (who is still looking at the departing tourists)
Well, I hadn't thought of that -

Mayor: (making up his mind)
Are we all agreed?

Brat:
Oh, thank you, Sir!
Brat pulls a piece of paper and pen out
Here's our contract -

Brat: (all innocence)
Yes, Sir.
90% of all profits on children's enterprises to you,
ten per cent to us,
and a new playground.

Tourists: (from the distance of the back of the hall)
Byer, bye children!
So nice seeing you.
Bye!

Brat: (looking at Mayor, who has turned to listen to the tourists)
What do you think?

Mayor:
Very well!
He snatches the paper and pen and signs
10%, mind you -
10%, no more!

Brat: (calling offstage)
Come on guys,
we've got a new home!

Mayor: (seeing the Wizard)
Hey, you there!
Wizard!
You!

(Wizard looks around)

Yes, you.

Wizard: (coming forward)
Wizard?

Wizard:
Yes,
a schoolmaster.
(looks around at all the children)
(slowly, questioningly)
And it looks as if
you need one -

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